Don’t let trolls socialise.

Okay so I’ve decided I’m going to write about all the ridiculous things that have happened in my life.  I’ll tell you all the reasons why I’m an absolute troll and shouldn’t be allowed to socialise with other humans.  I should warn you to brace yourself because I’ve done some things in my day that could only be described as pathetic or moronic.  Yeah.  I’m going to tell you these things and hope that its cathartic for me ‘cos otherwise you know all my filthy laundry and I’m up a certain creek without a paddle.

The first story I’ll tell you is about my first ‘boyfriend’.  Now don’t get ahead of yourself here, the word boyfriend isn’t in inverted commas ‘cos we only went out for two weeks- it’s cos he didn’t exist.  Well I guess he did, but I’d never met him.  Okay let’s start at the start….

It was a warm sunny day… actually I have no idea what the shit the weather was like and how is that relevant anyway?  Yeah.  Okay so I’m in year 7 (I think) and all these bitches have boyfriends.  I figure I should get one too but it’s proving a little difficult (8 years later and it still is).  So these bitches are harping on about their boyfriends and if my memory serves me correctly (it normally doesn’t serve me much at all), some twat had a picture of her boyfriend in her wallet.  Yeah, sickening.  So genius struck me like a bat to the skull.  I go home, rip the best and less catalogue out from my mother’s phalanges, and start sizing up what would be considered the ‘early teen’ male models.  Back in the sanctity of my room I start hacking at the catalogue, zeroing in on what I felt was the best looking of the bunch.  Clipping in hand, I start to panic; how the shit will I disguise the very obvious fact that it’s from a pamphlet?

 See, at this moment, this is when any other right-minded person would reconsider what they once considered to be a genius plan to be an absolute dud an abandon it completely….

But if you’re looking for tales about right-minded people and abandoned plans, then you’re in the wrong place and should probably pop off.  If you want to know about trolls and people who should have been put down then continue…and on that note…

 So the genius continues.  I put that little fucker in a key ring.  Yeah, a fucking key ring.  So this poor boy’s face is dangling from my keys the next morning.  I swear there was a grace period; a few days where bitches hid their disbelieving chortles and I’d thought I’d successfully conned them all.

 No such luck…

 I get to school one day and the bitches are all huddled together.  I figure it was part of their bitch rituals or something.  They see me and disperse leaving just enough space between them to reveal what the queen bitch was clutching.  It was the Best and Less catalogue if you haven’t already cottoned onto the way my life unfolds…

They crowd around me and demand to know what kind of sick scheme I’m running.  I pretty much panic, scan the quad for an escape and scream, “HE DIDN’T TELL ME HE WAS A MODEL!”.  Then I run.

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  1. […] I submitted one of my posts to HelloGiggles. The Don’t Let Trolls Socialise one.  Yeah well they send me this email […]



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