Tricks and Trolls; How to get friends when you’re socially handicapped.

The thing about being a troll is, you forget you are one.  It’s like I’m sitting there in the common room thinking I’m being a perfectly reasonable human being but in reality I should be put outside.  This makes it difficult to attract and maintain friendships.  But before you start jumping to all kinds of crazy conclusions that I’m a lone beast or something, I’ll nip it right in the butt.

I have friends; those poor fuckers.  I see your brow rising and your forehead making all kinds of crinkles.  Well stop that because the wind will change and you’ll wind up looking like me.

Okay so I’ll stop beating around the bush/ flicking your bean/ruffling your noggin.  If you’re a troll, like I, you make friends with other trolls.  They make you appear more socially acceptable and they’re busy hiding their tail to notice yours.  Yeah.  You can thank me later.  Or now.  Whatever works.

All right pansies, I know you want proof of these alleged friends so here’s a post from one.  She’s the kind of crackpot you’d cross the street for if you saw walking up ahead.  She’s got the wit of Cloris Leachman and the attractiveness to match.  If we’re being honest here, she’s that troll you wish you had under your bridge ‘cos despite her scales and horns, she’s bat shit amazing.  But fuck off you can’t have her.  You can read this though…

 I’m not pretty, but i’m pretty awesome.

Sometimes Im not sure what I hate more, giving compliments or receiving them. See, giving them is hard because most of the time I don’t mean it and I’m a crap liar so it almost always comes out sounding like a sarcastic pay out. Like when chicks pull that line “do I look ok?” -well, if you’ve been in your room for 90 minutes plucking, pulling, waxing, putting on primer, foundation, concealer, bronzer, lip stain. lip gloss, lipstick, fake lashes, fake tan, hair spray, whist using curling wands, straighteners and teeth whitening gel and your not sure if you look “ok” then shit babe you’ve been waisting your time and you should probs just focus on revitalising that hem line on your $20 supr’e dress yeah?

Receiving compliments shits me up the wall too, It’s like getting really big awkward birthday present when all you really wanted was a gift voucher. I just don’t know what to do with I take the generic root? “Oh thanks babe you look awesome too!” (if you wanna sound like you mean it, say it 8 octaves higher!) or do I I do shit myself and look like I just seen Ivan Milat at the party? yeah the second one every time..

Truth is I’d rather a well thought out witty insult than a heart melting compliment.

When I was about 18 my mum sat me down for what I thought was “the talk” as I sat there thinking “jokes on her she’s four years late” She continued to tell me that “I wasn’t pretty enough to marry a rich man, but I could marry someone very interesting”. This was shortly followed by ” but if you can help it just don’t get married at all, its a bit of a waste of time really”. As my younger sister hysterically lost her shit over the fact that our own mother had just openly told me I wasn’t the prettiest pony to crawl out of her pen, I thought…I wonder how many parents secretly think their kids were beaten too harshly with the ugly stick?

You might think my Mother is horrible, well thats probably because you were brought up amongst a cloud of parental lies and sugar coated compliments. Have your parents ever fed you the classic ” you always look beautiful” or the common ” I don’t know why you do that to your hair I love it naturally”. Did your dad ever tell you right before you left for the year 10 formal that you “looked like a man?” He was lying trust me, you looked like a 16 year old skater boy wearing a suit 3 sizes too big. But don’t worry guys, I made my own year 10 formal dress and I looked suspiciously like Susan Boyel in what I would assume was her aesthetic hey-day.

So there you have it!

yes, that dress does make you look fat.

No, Im never getting married, Ill raise turtles and die alone.

yes, your parents are lying to you.

via Who Let Mamaduke Back in the House? | I’m not pretty, but I’m pretty awesome..


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