And for the record, I do not have Chlamydia.

Okay, so I could sit here and pretend all my ridiculous antics happened in school and I’ve grown up to be a perfectly reasonable human being.  Well I’d be lying.  So let’s cut the horseradish and I’ll tell you a fairly recent story about why I’m still ridiculous and should be put outside.

So I started university this year.  (I’m not fresh out of school- worked for a law firm the year after school and then went to a different uni last year and studied International Relations).  The university I now go to is about 3 hours from my home requiring me to live on campus along with a few thousand other fools.  Before moving into my dorm I really was really worried I’d struggle to adjust; I mean I’m an only child, I’ve shared a bathroom for maybe 4 years of my life at most and now I’m living with 20 people.  Oh, and I’m a fucking troll.

So I get there right and it’s year 6 camp all over again.  We have to play preposterous games and hold hands with strangers.  The level of awkward was pretty much the equivalent of walking in on your mum slipping a cheeky finger in your dad’s…

Anyway, so the first day is nearly over and I’ve managed to not gauge my eyes out with any cutlery- a success on my watch. So our resident advisor (RA) has just finished going through all the piss boring stuff and then he passes around a roll of toilet paper and instructs us all to take some. Okay so just to recap, we’re all sitting around the communal couch and I’ve got this roll of toilet paper in hand convinced the amount I took would be all I would get for the next week like some rationing scheme.

It’s at this point I start to fret.  I mean I know I’m a troll, but this trolls likes herself some toilet paper- lots of it.  If we’re sharing here (and by we, I mean me), then I should probably put it out there:  I use an exceptional amount of toilet paper.  Yeah. 

I’m just about ready to scan the room for any available cutlery when…. our RA chortles and explains we would all tell a fact about ourselves for every square of toilet paper we took.  I looked down at the sheet of paper I clutched in my grubby phalanges and tried to sling together a row of ‘facts’ about me that wouldn’t expose me for the troll I am.

Genius struck me like it had so many times before in my life.  I decided it would be great to joke to tell everyone that I had Chlamydia.  Writing this now, I struggle to recall why I thought it was a good idea to tell people something so utterly taboo and more importantly, false.  So anyway, I declare this ‘fact’ in my best sarcastic voice and everyone had a nice chuckle.  I suspect I would have sat there, troll like, pleased with my hilarity.

I didn’t think much of that day till weeks later.  Several people revealed that my ‘joke’ had not in fact been realised and that they thought I had been deadly serious.  One in particular said (and I quote), “…yeah, we thought you were going to be a real problem.  Who knew you’d be one of the least drunk people in the dorm?!”.

I sat there, dumbstruck.  I thought it was fairly obvious that promiscuous people wouldn’t draw attention to the fact and much less announce they had an STI.  I mean come on people, really?  Surely you would only say such a thing if it were so far from the truth you’d spend an hour packing for the trip there.

I’m so good at first impressions.  And for the record, I do not have Chlamydia.

2 Responses to “And for the record, I do not have Chlamydia.”
  1. Steve says:

    So the moral of the story is don’t use too much toilet paper?

  2. grandezombie says:

    Hah! Yup. That and keep cutlery available at all times.

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